Faust

Faust, Part 1
~  Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I would like to start with a very small clip of the Devil from the popular cartoon Futurama. Anytime I read any of Mephistopheles' lines, I read them in Robot Devil's voice in my head. (Let's be honest, this is also how he looked in my head as well) 

Summary:
 Faust starts with God hosting a killer party up in heaven, where he makes a wager with the devil : Mephistopheles can tempt Faust as long as he lives in an effort to conquer his soul, but Faust's death is when his soul will be weighed for its truth, and the Devil will have to admit that God is awesome and right. Both entities are incredibly confident that they are going to win, and shake on it.

The audience is first introduced to Faust, an older gentleman, hanging out in his study mourning all of the things he knows. He attempts to commit suicide via potion, but he isn't very good at it and fails. Unafraid of anything (except for drinking the death potion), he starts to mess with a little magic, and immediately gets shuts down by a summoned spirit. Wagner intrudes, and they chat until the scene switches and they are walking outside on Easter Sunday. While still debating the existential search for knowledge, Faust looks past Wagner's shoulder to see a black poodle spit some fire, and immediately decides that that creature just has to become his new pet. A couple of days later, Mephistopheles shows up at Faust's door promising a life of pleasure and coins, but Faust isn't interested in what he's selling. Faust asks the devil to leave, but he can't because he's stuck in Faust's magic floor circle. Seeing that he's stuck, Faust invites the devil for a little chat, and they agree that Faust will give away his soul for a lifetime of experiences, and will not die until he says the phrase, "Linger a while! Thou art so fair!"

Faust and the devil romp around the world for a bit, and eventually end up in a Witch's lair inhabited by baboons trusted to stir the cauldron. Mephistopheles wants Faust to shed a couple of years by drinking the witches elixir, but Faust kind of tunes him out while he rummages through the absent-witches stuff. What he does find is a mirror that reveals a super hot babe that he immediately falls in love with, and decides that maybe he does need that rejuvenation potion after all. He chugs it, and the devil promises that they are bound to run into bountiful lasses in the future.

The woman in the mirror is called Margareta, but she goes by the sexy nickname of Gretchen. Faust spots her on the street, and asks the devil for her for Christmas. Satan sends her a couple boxes of jewels, but Gretchen's mom smells the evil on them, and gives them away to the church (who gladly takes the devil's jewels). Eager to gossip with someone, she keeps a couple pieces of jewelry and goes to her poor widow-neighbor's house to flaunt her anonymous-lover's gifts. Mephistopheles trounces in and sets up a double date between Faust and Gretchen, and himself with the widow. Gretchen and Faust immediately fall in love after a short evening of sweet nothings whispered in each others ears. He manages to convince her to slip her mom a sleeping potion so he can share her bed at night, and Gretchen readily hands over her v-card. Her brother, Valentine, magically finds out that Gretchen's purity is lost, and waits outside of the doorway to give her a whore-rant. Instead, he catches Mephisto with a flute singing songs, and ends up getting into a fight with Faust and the Devil. Valentine gets stabbed, Faust and the Mephisto flee, and Gretchen cradles her dying brother just long enough to hear the whore lecture he is still willing to deliver with his dying breath.

Gretchen and Faust's relationship in one comic panel

Gretchen's life takes a turn for the worse when she attends a church mass and has time to reflect on all of the ways her life has gone terribly wrong: she's unmarried and pregnant, her brother died because of her, and she killed her mother by giving her too much of the sleeping potion. Her mind ends up snapping, and she goes off to jail. Faust forgets about her, and he and the Devil end up erotically dancing with some witches on Walpurgis Night. Mid naked-dance, Faust remembers his old lady-love, and takes it upon himself (with the help of the Devil) to go save Gretchen from jail. Devil refuses, which just angers Faust to the point of tantrum, and Devil gives in, but he can only create an opening to escape for a short amount of time.

In jail, Faust rides in on his black stallion to save Gretchen, but she's crazy and doesn't remember him. He remembers that he loved/loves her, and wants to save her from her impending hanging. He begs her to leave the cell, but she likes it and knows that everything is going to be alright, so stays. Faust, the ever-Hero, leaves the cell to Gretchen calling the name of her loved one.

Candidly Candid

Candide
~ Voltaire

In short, the story of Candide is really the story of "Where in the World is Carmen SanDiego?" with a pinch of philosophy and a lot more sex.

 The main character, Candid, grows up in his Uncle's mansion, (Candid is illegitimate because his mother refused to marry his father; his bloodline could not be traced back to the Bible's Genesis), along with the Baron's daughter, Cunegonde, and Candide's tutor, Pangloss.

Throughout the story, Pangloss does a lot of talking, and explains that everyone must be optimistic at all times, and that the world of today is the very best of all possible worlds. He teaches "metaphysico-theolog-cosmolo-nigolgy" to Candide, but teaches "experimental physics" to the Baron's servant staff. How naughty. Cunegonde catches the maid and the tutor mid "lesson" and runs away curious. She finds Candide, the two young people make out, Baron catches them, and Candide is thrown out with Pangloss.

After leaving the house, Candide joins the military but isn't very good at it. He gets accused of deserting after leaving for a walk, and the lieutenants make him run the gauntlet twice. Pangloss is hanged. But don't fret! For no one really dies: after jumping around on several continents and fleeing at least one more war, Candide runs into good-ol-not-dead-Pangloss again. Disguised as a beggar, Candide's old tutor tells him that Cunegonde's house was broken into and she was raped and killed. Candide loves Cunegonde, so he's, naturally, a bit sad... but still optimistic. Pangloss also goes on to share that, somewhere along the lines, he's a acquired a bit of syphilis, which is destroying his body (he later loses an ear and an eye to it). He doesn't mind though, because the line of infection leads back to a man who traveled the world with Columbus, and if that guy didn't bring syphilis back to Europe, then Europe would also not have  delicious treats like chocolate. So, in short, without syphilis, we wouldn't have Hersheys.

Two earthquakes, a flogging, and a ship crash later, Candide and Pangloss meet an old woman who leads them to (SURPRISE!) the not dead Cunegonde, who plays who-has-the-more-pathetic-horrific-past-history with the bitter old woman who keeps her company. The not-dead Cunegonde was raped, but not murdered, and is now the mistress of two men with shared custody. One of the men, Don Issachar, does not appreciate his visitation rights not respected, and goes and searches for his mistress, only to find her alone with Candide. This does not make him happy, so Candide kills him, and the Grand Inquisitor not too far behind him. Candide, Cunegonde, and the bitter old woman hop on the backs of three horses, grab the jewels, and flee the scene.

The travel from country to country, eventually splitting up, and Cadide meets up with Cacambo, his lady love's brother. The end up in a field together watching naked women run from monkeys. Candide, ever vigilant, kills the antagonizing monkeys. Instead of the praises and thanks he thinks he deserves, the women cry over the bodies of the dead monkeys and Cacambo informs Candide that the monkeys were the women's lovers. Candide thinks it's best to hide in the bushes, and that is where he and his girlfriend's brother end up falling asleep.

Two dead horses, lots of travel, treasure found, treasure lost, and the resurrection of Pangloss later, Candide is still searching for Cunegonde and is getting frustrated and disheartened by his failing to find her. Pangloss runs into the woman who gave him syphilis, and she confirms that he did, in fact, get it from her. She was cured by a nice surgeon who wanted payment in sex, but his wife wasn't too fond of the mistress, so he poisoned her. The wife's family sued the surgeon--  so he fled, leaving syphilis-free-girl to end up prison. The judge thought she was cute, and pardoned her crimes as long as she became his mistress, and that she did. Eventually, the judge tired of her, turned her out, and she took up a career of prostitution. Candide listens in a mild awe-stupor, and just hands her money before leaving her company.

Eventually, Candide learn where the old woman and Cunegonde are, but he also learns that Cunegonde has become quite ugly in his time away. No matter, he's spent all this time looking for her, he resolves that he is going to love her anyways. Arriving in Turkey, he recognizes Pangloss being sold as a slave along with Baron he stabbed (who has no hard feelings), and he buys both of their freedom (Pangloss does a lot of wandering away and getting captured/STD-ridden/killed/lectured at/enslaved). While still in the mode, Candide eventually finds Cunegonde and the old woman and buys their freedom along with a small farm for them all to live. Cunegonde is truly hideous, and becomes more so every day at the farm. Cacambo, her brother, is also not happy at the situation, and really hates labor. Pangloss doesn't think he'll ever find fame, and the farm is just one unhappy sulky place, with a sticker labeled "optimism" on top of it.


After having dinner with one of the local farmers, Candide is reminded that the life of a farmer is charming, and he, along with everyone else living with him, decide to live that lifestyle. Pangloss, again suggests that this is the best of all worlds, and Candide responds with those famous last lines: 
"That is well put... but we must cultivate our garden"