~ Voltaire
The main character, Candid, grows up in his Uncle's mansion, (Candid is illegitimate because his mother refused to marry his father; his bloodline could not be traced back to the Bible's Genesis), along with the Baron's daughter, Cunegonde, and Candide's tutor, Pangloss. 
After leaving the house, Candide joins the military but isn't very good at it. He gets accused of deserting after leaving for a walk, and the lieutenants make him run the gauntlet twice. Pangloss is hanged. But don't fret! For no one really dies: after jumping around on several continents and fleeing at least one more war, Candide runs into good-ol-not-dead-Pangloss again. Disguised as a beggar, Candide's old tutor tells him that Cunegonde's house was broken into and she was raped and killed. Candide loves Cunegonde, so he's, naturally, a bit sad... but still optimistic. Pangloss also goes on to share that, somewhere along the lines, he's a acquired a bit of syphilis, which is destroying his body (he later loses an ear and an eye to it). He doesn't mind though, because the line of infection leads back to a man who traveled the world with Columbus, and if that guy didn't bring syphilis back to Europe, then Europe would also not have delicious treats like chocolate. So, in short, without syphilis, we wouldn't have Hersheys.
Two earthquakes, a flogging, and a ship crash later, Candide and Pangloss meet an old woman who leads them to (SURPRISE!) the not dead Cunegonde, who plays who-has-the-more-pathetic-horrific-past-history with the bitter old woman who keeps her company. The not-dead Cunegonde was raped, but not murdered, and is now the mistress of two men with shared custody. One of the men, Don Issachar, does not appreciate his visitation rights not respected, and goes and searches for his mistress, only to find her alone with Candide. This does not make him happy, so Candide kills him, and the Grand Inquisitor not too far behind him. Candide, Cunegonde, and the bitter old woman hop on the backs of three horses, grab the jewels, and flee the scene.
The travel from country to country, eventually splitting up, and Cadide meets up with Cacambo, his lady love's brother. The end up in a field together watching naked women run from monkeys. Candide, ever vigilant, kills the antagonizing monkeys. Instead of the praises and thanks he thinks he deserves, the women cry over the bodies of the dead monkeys and Cacambo informs Candide that the monkeys were the women's lovers. Candide thinks it's best to hide in the bushes, and that is where he and his girlfriend's brother end up falling asleep.
Two dead horses, lots of travel, treasure found, treasure lost, and the resurrection of Pangloss later, Candide is still searching for Cunegonde and is getting frustrated and disheartened by his failing to find her. Pangloss runs into the woman who gave him syphilis, and she confirms that he did, in fact, get it from her. She was cured by a nice surgeon who wanted payment in sex, but his wife wasn't too fond of the mistress, so he poisoned her. The wife's family sued the surgeon-- so he fled, leaving syphilis-free-girl to end up prison. The judge thought she was cute, and pardoned her crimes as long as she became his mistress, and that she did. Eventually, the judge tired of her, turned her out, and she took up a career of prostitution. Candide listens in a mild awe-stupor, and just hands her money before leaving her company.
Eventually, Candide learn where the old woman and Cunegonde are, but he also learns that Cunegonde has become quite ugly in his time away. No matter, he's spent all this time looking for her, he resolves that he is going to love her anyways. Arriving in Turkey, he recognizes Pangloss being sold as a slave along with Baron he stabbed (who has no hard feelings), and he buys both of their freedom (Pangloss does a lot of wandering away and getting captured/STD-ridden/killed/lectured at/enslaved). While still in the mode, Candide eventually finds Cunegonde and the old woman and buys their freedom along with a small farm for them all to live. Cunegonde is truly hideous, and becomes more so every day at the farm. Cacambo, her brother, is also not happy at the situation, and really hates labor. Pangloss doesn't think he'll ever find fame, and the farm is just one unhappy sulky place, with a sticker labeled "optimism" on top of it.
After having dinner with one of the local farmers, Candide is reminded that the life of a farmer is charming, and he, along with everyone else living with him, decide to live that lifestyle. Pangloss, again suggests that this is the best of all worlds, and Candide responds with those famous last lines:
"That is well put... but we must cultivate our garden"
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