Sir Gawain and the Green Knight

Sir Gawain and the Green Knight
Written by the poet who wrote it

A summary:

King Arthur is hanging out with his homies around his circle table celebrating Christmas when a guy dressed all in Green barges in on his horse equipped with an axe and some holly. He challenges "Someone, anyone?" to a game of Russian Roulette, and no one responds. All they have to do is hit him anywhere as hard as they can, and in one year and a day he gets to return the favor. After several minutes of awkward silence, Sir Gawain, the smallest and wimpiest of the knights speaks up (causing Arthur to breathe a HUGE sigh of relief) and meets the challenge. He picks up the axe and lobs off Greenman's head to the applause of everyone (That's what you get for ruining Christmas!). The Green Knight, not down for the count, picks up his head after it has rolled around the room for a little bit, shakes his fist at Sir Gawain, reminds him of his agreement to come find him in a year + 1, and sad-hands away.

      Seasons poetically pass, and eventually Gawain has to pack up his fanciest suit of armor and find the guy he made the deal with... after all, he has his knight code to look after (And he needs to go find a cool story, he's really tired of Lancelot hogging the campfire). Gawain and his horse go traveling for several days out in the wilderness until Gawain prays for a place to hear Mass on Christmas day. Lo and behold, and moated castle appears out of nowhere, the bridge is let down, and Gawain is not at all suspicious of where the creepy castle came from. Inside, the man of the house welcomes Gawain with open arms (too open, perhaps?) along with his young beautiful wife, and an old hag who kind of just hangs out. Gawain and Lord Host get chummy chummy, and eventually Lord suggests that he and Gawain make a deal: the Lord of the House is going to go hunting the next day, and whatever he catches he will trade Gawain (who is going to loaf about) for what he's "acquired" through his day of inactivity. Gawain agrees, they say goodnight.
     The first day, the Lord hunts a herd of does and ends up slaughtering a really cool one to bring back to the castle. Back at his home, the Knight sleeps in until the Lord's wife sneaks into his bedchamer, completely failing her quiet check. As the smooth romancer that Gawain is, he pretends to be asleep until he realizes that she isn't going to go away. What does she want? She wants him! After a vain attempt at releasing her seduction tendrils, she steals one kiss from him and toddles off to spend the rest of her day dancing with the old lady. When the Lord comes home, he brings Gawain his great deer, and Gawain plants his acquired kiss right on his host's lips. The host thanks him, and asks where he acquired his new skill, and Gawain doesn't give away his poker hand.

   On day two, Lord Host fights a boar that is depicted large, angry, and not readily willing to join the team of the dead. The woman goes back to Gawain wearing remarkably less clothing, gets rejected, but manages to plant two kisses on his woman-hating little head. That night, the Knight passionately trades his two kisses for the dead pig's head.
    Day three, and Gawain is realizing that the time for him to be beheaded is quickly approaching, and he should probably stop making out with the Lord of the appearing-castle and be on his way. While he ruses, Woman-wife walks in and offers her undying love... and a morning of really awesome sex. Gawain refuses, so Wife decides that bartering is the way to go with this guy. Does he want a ring? Nope. Does he want an awesome scarf? Does he want her green girdle? Well that just sets a sparkle in his little knighted eye. (The girdle is magical and prevents the wearer from death). She hands over the special girdle, kisses him three times and leaves him room to go dance some more with the old lady.  When the Lord comes home, he brings only a fox from his hunt as his trade-able gift, and Gawain only gives up his acquired kisses. He lies to his host and tells him that the make out session was all that he acquired that day (his lie an obvious act of cowardice).
    New Year's day arrives and Gawain has to get out of this crazy house and find some head-chopping action. He puts on his shiny armor and dons his fancy new girdle, and heads out to find the lair of the Green Knight. He acquires a page boy/assistant somehow who walks with him to the edge of the forest and tries to talk Gawain out of going, "Look man, it's terrifying in there and I don't really want to go in and I won't tell if you don't." Gawain is aghast and offended at this offer and sends his newly acquired physical-personified version of Cowardice away and rides straight into the forest.
    In the forest, he spies the Green Knight sharpening his axe, and they spend several moments looking at each other.
While he sharpens his axe.
And sharpens his axe.
And did I mention that his axe was really, really sharp?

Eventually, the Green Knight (who has apparently glued his head back on in the past year and day) comes down and Gawain offers his neck to be sliced into. On the first blow, Gawain moves and the blow misses him, "by chance." On the second blow, Gawain does it again "by chance." On the third blow, the Green Knight barely touches his neck, cutting Gawain's neck just enough to leave a scar. Gawain shouts "IT COUNTS!" and backs away, shouting that the deal is now met.

Also disguised as an Old woman

    The Green Knight reveals that he was actually the Lord Host of the magical-appearing-moat-castle, and that because Gawain was a coward and did not honor the rules of the Host's game by exchanging everything they acquired in a days time, Green Knight had to cut him. Nevertheless, Gawain did step up and prove that he wasn't a chicken, and  Green Knight/Host Lord reveals that the old lady wasn't just a weirdo back drop... she was Morgan la Faye! And SHE turned him green and sent him to go ruin Christmas for King Arthur.
    Relieved to be alive, yet also ashamed for his cowardice, Gawain returns home still wearing his green girdle of shame. King Arthur decides that this is a perfect lesson for all of the knights just loafing about and makes them all wear green girdles to remind them to not be cowards.

    
And they all lived girdled and happily ever after.

Chaucer's Wife of Bath

Chaucer's Wife of Bath

Summary:

Modern wife of Bath

     The character Wife of Bath makes me think of one of those craggy old women who sit at the end of a bar and tell tales of the seventeen husbands they've widowed, the 116 kids they've raised, and all the advice and tales in between that got her right to the barstool she's sitting on. I imagine this modern version has bright red lipstick, tight leopard pants, no chance of a bra, and she's sipping long island iced teas continuing the search for lucky husband number next.

     In Chaucer's tale, the audience (both the fellow listeners of the tale, and the reader's of Chaucer's work) is presented this woman, an older woman, who begins an incredibly long prologue about her life. She is not a virgin, she's been married five times (the first three were old and died quick, and her last was a terrible wife beater who was quite talented at "evening" activities), she's a sensual sexual person, and the whole "virginal" scene doesn't really work for her. Oh, and she's on the market for husband #6.

You wouldn't want to be her sixth husband?

   Like the start of the Miller's tale, Chaucer starts with a disclaimer: all of this is for fun! If you're offended, don't look at me... I'm just here telling you what they said.... [and he backs behind the curtain and let's the wife tell the tale].
     A knight sees a beautiful chick walk by and decides to rape her. She's not too happy about it and he's dragged to court where people shake their heads sadly and decide to kill until the women of the court speak up and say, "Send this rude raper out for a year and one day to ask every woman he meet's what women want (Not the Mel Gibson movie)." Off on a quest he goes, and talks to women (who really don't have any moral compunctions about answering his question) who tell him that women really want sex, money, awesome hair, great skin, etc. At the end of his year, he's desperate and about to go back to court sad-handed when he runs into a group of women who turn into just one old crone. She tells him that she can save his life because she knows the answer, but he has to promise his hand in marriage. he agrees, they go to court, and the old woman reveals that the answer to what women want is power in a marriage. She drops onto her knee, proposes marriage, and the knight throws up in his mouth. He begs her to take all his cash, but she has him gridlocked and they get hitched. At home, the woman finally asks the brooding knight why he's miserable, and he tells her that doesn't want to be married to an ugly hag. Instead of being offended, she gives him a choice: would he rather have an ugly woman who is loyal, or a beautiful young woman who will make him a cuckhold. The knight, in his first awesome moment of the story says, "You pick what's best for you."
   So of course, she turns into a hot, young, loyal wife and they live happily ever after.

Chaucer: The Miller's Tale

The Summary
     My absolute favorite part of Chaucer's Miller's Tale is the Surgeon's general warning the Miller gives before he tells his tale, "Hey everybody, I'm drunk and can't be held accountable. Just a heads up."
     What a way to follow a super long story told by a knight.
     This classy tale starts with Nicholas, an oxford student astrologist. He lives with John, an incredibly possessive older man, and his sexy young wife, Alison.  Alison has several admirers: Nicholas her roomate, and Absolon, a creep lonely clerk from down the road. While the carpenter is away, Nicholas cries his way into Alison's undergarments, after reassuring her that he can outwit her cuckold of a husband. Meanwhile, Absolon tries to seduce Alison with money, gifts, and poorly sung love songs, but she just doesn't return the affection (mainly because it's focused on ol' Nick). Alison and Nicholas get tired of sneaking around, and decide that they want to spend a whole debaucherous evening together.

night of roof-boats, ass-kissing, and flatulance

      Nick pretends to be sick for several days, eventually causing John to wander up to his room to make sure the student isn't dead. Instead, Nicholas tells John that God gave him a vision of a flood, and that he better fasten three tubs to the roof or crap will get ugly... quick. John builds the tubs, and immediately falls asleep from exhaustion (Gilgamesh style), leaving Alison and Nicholas to romp around the house unsupervised. Absolon remembers that he's in the story, and knocks on the window demanding a kiss. Alison tells him that she loves another and to go away, and when his persistence wins she offers him a kiss in the dark... on her ass. With tongue (ew). Like ten year-olds, Alison and Nicholas tumble into giggles and Absolon is left with shame,  a desperate need to brush his teeth, and the desire for REVENGE! He goes to his neighbor blacksmith and picks up a red-hot field plowing piece for no suspicious activity at all. Absolon heads back to the house where Nicholas' bum is now hanging out the window when he farts incredibly loudly right in Absolon's face. To get back at him, Absolon brands Nick with the molten metal, who begins to cry and carry on quite loudly; loud enough to wake up sleeping John from his roof-boat. John believes the flood is here, chops the rope, crashes to the ground and breaks him arm. The townspeople wake up from all the noisy noise, and Allison and Nicholas point their fingers at John and tell everyone he's crazy.
      He did just break his own arm from falling out of a roof-boat... the townspeople need little convincing.
    In the end, the carpenter's wife is made a cuckold, Absolon does get to kiss Alison['s arse], Nicholas will have a hard time wearing pants, and the Miller narrator wishes that, "God save all the company!"

Reflection
    There is a huge contrast between the two tales told back to back by Chaucer. In Knight's Tale, there is a solid love triangle that is supported by honor, respect for the beloved woman, and almost worshipful ambiance... The Miller's Tale has none of those traits. Emily is almost deity like in her descriptions, ethereal, a symbol of purity that does not want to spoil her honor with a sanctified marriage. Even after her three day marriage, she mourns for seven or eight years until she marries again. Alison on the other hand, her body is compared to a weasel, the narrator goes into detail on what covers her loins, and the reader visually looks up and down her described body. Instead of being an abstract symbol of beauty to wage war over, Alison is real, wears aprons, and is young and horny.
In comparison, The Miller's Tale makes the noble long war of the Knight's tale into a farce. The gentleman who grabs Alison by the "queynte" gets the girl, and the man, Absolon, who sings and gives money and tries an honest seduction gets to kiss a butt and gets farted on.

Gilgamesh

GILGAMESH

Summary:
The story starts with the description of Gilgamesh's awesome city where he is kind of being a jerk (being tyranical, calling himself "Lord of the Hymens," sleeping with all the virgins, etc). The gods decide that he needs a balance, and build Enkidu, this awesome animal guy who hangs in the forest. Gilgamesh hears about him and sends a priestess to go tame him with sex (which she does), and come back to the city. Enkidu's seven day sexy-time disgust the animals and they de-friend Enkidu, who is left to be upset about the news that Gilgamesh is ruining a wedding. They get into a fistfight where they realize that they are pretty much equals... and that makes them equally awesome.
While still chest bumping, Gilgamesh decides that he wants to cut down all of the  cedar trees and kill the magical protector of the forest Humbaba, something that Enkidu squints at for a couple of seconds until he finally gives in. With the destroyed forest they make a groovy gate and boat they send back to Gilgamesh's city.
 Right after the battle, Ishtar the Goddess starts flirting with Gilgamesh, only to be turned down. No one turns down the goddess of love, so she immediately runs to her father who sends down a bull from heaven along with seven years of famine. Gilgamesh and Enkidu kill the bull in all of 8 seconds, and then laugh at how upset this makes Ishtar. Then they throw one of the bulls bloody thighs in her face. Like Carrie from Stephen King, the prom queen covered in blood is not happy, and all of the other gods note that one of the Trouble Twins has to die. Enkidu is chosen.
Enkidu dies, and Gilgamesh is reminded that he too will one day die. This upsets him, confuses him, angers him, and makes him sad... so he goes on a journey to find the one guy who will never die, Utnapishtim. He eventually meets up with ol' Utnap, who tells Gilgamesh that he just needs to chill out, enjoy the life he's got, take a shower because he smells, and not worry about death because it's going to happen to everybody, and then tells a really great story about a flood. Gilgamesh doesn't like this answer, so Utnap challenges him to not sleep for seven days, and then, maybe, Gilgamesh won't have to die. He lasts about  five minutes. Upset that he didn't win, he stomps away with his consolation prize: a plant that will reverse the age process. He leaves that on the ground, a snake comes and steals it (leaving skin as a consolation consolation prize), and Gilgamesh goes home and ends the tale right where it started: describing his really awesome city.

Reflection:
[coming soon]

Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales: Knight's Tale

Flag Football

 Before I begin discussing Chaucer's Knight's Tale, I thought I would share a glimpse of my sitcom-life to all those viewers out there (which will also explain why this was not posted on Friday Night):

After returning home from school on Friday, I decided to turn on some Netflix and heat up some frozen chimichongas for dinner... which ended up being a weekend long mistake. About ten minutes into Season two of The Tutors, the television turned off. Handy electrition that I am (I'm not), I decided that a quick look behind the television would automatically fix it, and  unplugging the surge protector from the wall would double the fix and act as a "restart" to the wiring. The old wires in the ghetto builidng did not like my idea, and instead shocked me so hard I thought my heart stopped. And also shut down the power to the entire second story of my apartment building. Objectively, I don't think my neighbors will send me Christmas cards this year.

Long weekend short: I just got electricity back, and have been assured that my electrocution did not result in death and that I should sustain no long term damage.

Back to Knight's Tale!

A summary:

     The story starts with Palamon and Arcita, two cousins who have pinky-swore loyalty to one another, right before Thesus throws them in jail. While hanging out in prison, Palamon leans out his window, creeps on a green dressed woman standing below (named Emily), and instantly falls in love. Arcita follows suit rather quickly, and they start one of several tussels: which-cousin-loves-the-woman-they've-never-met-more-than-the-other-cousin. Arcita draws a get-out-of-jail-free card and leaves Palamon mooning in the prison window, but his one requirement is that he cannot return to the city in which is lady-love lives. He lasts for a full half-page, makes a fake ID, and breaks back into the city with the new name of Philostrate and immediately gets a job working for Emily.

      The system works for about seven years until Palamon gets tired of being in jail and "Monte Cristos" himself from his cell. While loitering in some bushes, he overhears his cousin talking to himself about his last seven years of service, gets upset, and they fistfight in the grove over the left ring finger of Emily. Theseus rides up, calls a time out, and goes from mad to soft hearted when he finds out what he two crooks are fighting about. His solution to the mess: a tournament! Each cousin will go find a 100 knights to be on their teams and after a certain amount of time (something like 50 weeks?)  everyone will meet up and have a mock war-olympics. While the guys are off recruiting, Theseus hangs at home and builds three temples to prepare for the tournament. One for Venus, the Goddess of Love, one for Mars, the God of War, and one for Diana, the Goddess of Chastity. 

   Before the glorified duel, Emily, Palamon, and Arcita all go to pray at seperate temples. Palamon goes to Venus where he wants to "Possess Emily" and promises that if he wins he'll thank Venus every day. Arcita goes to Mars where he bro-dawgs it up with the God and parallels his situation to a similar scene from Mars' past.The fist bump and Mars leaves shouting the word, "victory!" Finally, Emily finally gets to add her two cents in by voicing a prayer to Diana, where she tells her Goddess that she doesn't want to marry anyone and really just wants to go hunting. Diana comes down to her in a physical form and tells Emily to buck up, she's going to be marrying somebody.

    Tournament time, and Theseus is thought great because he comes up with a game very similar to flag football (except with sharpened spears) where everyone gets to live at the end. Whichever cousin gets sent to time-out first loses, and it ends up being Palamon. While Palamon is pouting and struggling with the referee, Arcita is doing a victory dance until his horse rears up "by chance" and hits him hard enough in the head to cause blood clotting that will kill him a couple of days later. Lots of weeping and a touching funeral scene later (commemorated by naked men wrestling?), Theseus takes Emily and Palamon and marries them, and they live happily ever after.

Something worth squinting at is definitly the love triangle that Chaucer creates out of Emily, Palamon, and Arcita. Palamon and Arcita (from now nicknamed Pal and Arc) start off as almost the same character-- just two cousins hanging out being hated by Theseus. While hanging out in prison, Chaucer offers the reader the real take on the two different guys. Pal looks out the window, cries out in a theatrical, "Oh!" and falls head over heels in love with a woman strolling through grass. He praises Venus, and thanks the Goddess for showing him his true love (an important detail to remember--Pal also visits Venus' temple before the big showdown) while Arc has apoplexy over Pal's sudden outburst. Looking out the window, Arc also falls in love: "That if Palamon was wounded sore,/ Arcita was hurt as much as he, or more." From this point,Chaucer separates Arc and Pal into two distinct characters: Pal, the loving romaticisor who fawns at the temple of Venus and escapes prison to join his lady love, and Arc, the conniving trickster who sneaks back into Greece, fistbumps Mars before the tournament, and ends up winning Emily's hand in marriage through glorified fake violence. Both men are incredibly jealous of one another throughout the rest of the tale, a jealousy that ends up "accidentally" sending a blood clot to the brain of Arc. The death bed, or the large head wound, knocks Arc out of senseless competition with his cousin, and the two, in a cycle of sibling-like rivalry, forget that they've spent the last decade fighting over a woman neither of them has ever talked to, and re-embrace the true love of the story: family. The cousin/brothers remember the kind men they were before the Emily-business started, and just before Arc takes his last shallow breath, he gives Pal his most treasured item... Emily. "So in this world right now I know no one/ So worthy to be loved as Palamon..." The trophy the two cousins fought over for at least 60 pages is handed over to Pal as a token of Arc's goodwill. His last will and testament a wish that Pal live happily ever after. And guiltlessly, Pal takes Emily and does exactly that.

Guess who gets the girl?

The most interesting character in this love triangle is Emily. She says little in story, and spends most of her speech-time admitting that she doesn't want to get married, doesn't want to be a wife, and that if she gets pregnant, the bump will get in her way while hunting. Diana tells her she's marrying somebody, and Emily doesn't fight it, doesn't throw a fit, doesn't run away or become an angry lesbian... she simply asks that she be "given to him that most desires me" (the man of love over the man of war), and shows up at tournament on time and waits to see who she gets stuck with for the rest of her life. Was she taught to be so obedient? Was it the natural way of the woman to just accept the life that was already chosen for her? Or, in the end of things, did Emily just not really care?

 The first time she (honestly) meets the two gentlemen "courters" are while they are fistfighting in a grass grove, and never mentions that one of the wrestlers has been in her employment for the last seven years under a different name. No, not creepy or strange at all. Arc dies and Emily is right there at his side, holding his hand and crying at the death of her unconsummated husband. A mourning that takes 7 years... Who is this woman? Maybe it was a ploy to stay virginal as long as possible? After seven years of ashy hair and soggy faces, Theseus pokes his head back into the story and marries Palamon and Emily in a charming conclusion that ends in "happily ever after."